Mixed Emotions
by NeverShoutMadi
Summary: *-*Yaoi*-* Please don't read if you're not into it. Hikaru and Kaoru are discombobulated about their feelings for each other and struggle on their decision. M for yaoi
1. Chapter 1

So I've been thinking lately, maybe these feelings aren't just a phase. I can't get over the thought that I love him.

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><p><p>

"Hey Kao," he stared bluntly at me with a raised eyebrow "are you ok?" He seemed as though something was on his mind.

"Perfect, Hikaru. Why do you care?" He said with the same blunt tone his face expressed.

"I was just making sure. Sorry if I bothered you" I said with shyly.

He looked away rolling his eyes. I knew something wasn't right with him recently. Ever since Wednesday at the club he had acted angry at me. Honestly, I don't see a reason why. I had done absolutely nothing to him at all. Was it because I had gone to dinner with Haruhi? Surly not. He said he didn't want to go. He said he was too busy working on studying for an upcoming test.

"Are you sure everything is ok, Kao?" I placed my hand on his knee.

"Stop calling me that!" He halfway screamed, drawing every eye in the library. He quickly moved his leg from my touch.

"I-I'm sorry.. You just seem like something is wrong and it's worrying me."

"Why in hell would you worry about me? I don't mean anything to you!" He yelled again as he got up from his chair. Slamming it against the wooden table he stormed off.

"Dammit Kaoru!" I hissed, making sure nobody could hear. I hurried, not bothering with my school work, and rushed to go catch my mysterious brother.

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><p><p>

Why in bloody hell am I doing this? Why can't I help myself feel like this when he's around. I love him.

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><p><p>

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" I yelled as I ran down the hall, clinching my hair in fists. I ran into the nearest bathroom and sank to my knees next to the sink. 'I can't believe you! Why did you yell at him? Why did you run away, seriously' I scolded myself. "I must me the stupidest person in all the world!"

"Kaoru! Where are you?" I heard Hikaru call from a way down the hall. 'Hikaru, you're an idiot' I thought to my self as I heard the door open. He walked over with a deep and loud breath pattern. I held my breath hoping he wouldn't see me, wishing I could have some sort of invisibility skill. At that moment, he turned around and sadly, spotted me collapsed on the dirty floor. Immediately he crouched down in front of me and touched my knee.

"What on earth is wrong with you!" He hissed, still leaving that tone that made me melt.

"N-Nothing." I spat.

"Oh really? Then why are you crying, hm?" Having not of even noticed the large amount of tears that were streaming down my face, I hurriedly wiped them away. "Honestly Kaoru, what it wrong?" He asked in a more soothing tone, placing his warm palm on my face and rubbing my cheek softly. I closed my eyes unconsciously. My body shivered slightly at his soft touch.

I swiped his hand from my face quickly, realising that I couldn't take anymore contact with my brother. "Go away Hikaru." I demanded quietly, truthfully wanting him to stay and hold me.

"Not until you tell me why you're acting so strange" I felt him grab my hand and clinch tightly. He got closer to me. I could feel his sweet breath on my chest as he nuzzled my neck then pulled away to look in my eyes. "Please kao?" He purred, practically straddling my hip. Now he was inches from my lips. Again the feel of his breath crossed my skin. I felt my cheeks become a awkward strawberry colour.

"I-I can't tell you. I just c-can't" I stuttered, shyly closing my eyes so I could pretend he wasn't there. I felt his lips brush my cheek as he stopped close to my ear.

"And why not?" He whispered smoothly, yet again making my whole body shudder. I felt weak. I couldn't move.

"P-Please stop Hikaru." My plea sounding more like a scared mouse.


	2. Chapter 2

I can't help it. Are these real feelings? Do I love him like my body tells me I do?

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><p><p>

"P-Please stop Hikaru." I breathed smoothly into his ear. I knew it would make him blush more, making him even more utterly adorable.

"Why Kao? Am I making you uncomfortable?" I asked with a slight grin. I felt him tense up slightly. I backed up so I could see his tomato red face. I giggled to myself.

"G-Go away.." He murmured with a pained expression.

"Do you really want me gone Kaoru?" I asked, sitting back so I was off of him.

"Y-Yes.." I frowned.

"Very well then. I'll leave you" I started to get up. I felt a grip on my wrist. Looking down I saw a frightened and younger Kaoru with tears pooling in his eyes. The sight tore my heart.

"I-I.." he started.

"Yes?" I asked, turning towards him. I longed to lock his hand with mine and pull his slender body to my own. To feel him warmth against me.

"I-I'm sorry.." He whimpered snatching his hand back. He turned his head so that I couldn't notice the tears that had been pooled release. I bent back down and whipped them away.

"Please tell me Kao, but when you feel it's the right time. I'll always be here for you" I said with a slight smile. I gently turned his head so it was facing mine and touched my forehead to his and stared him in the eyes. "I love you" I kissed his brow and rose to my feet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the Host Club.

"Kaoru!" I yelled grabbing my brother by his waist. "Are you ok?"

"Oh Hikaru! It hurts." He yelped, holding his falsely burned hand.

"Oh Kaoru, don't scare me like that. You make my heart skip a beat when you're in trouble." I said, cooing, nuzzled into his neck. I brushed my lips on his jaw as I came up to lock gazes. I rolled my eyes as I heard the audience catch their breath. "Please Kao, be more careful" I said wrapping my arms around him lower back.

"I-I'll try Hikaru" He squeaked softly.

I kissed the tip of his nose. "Good." I said with a soft smile. The ladies whooped and cheered. I heard one say 'how do they do it!' I again rolled my eyes. I just wanted to be out of there.

"Thanks you ladies for your time. It was a pleasure talking with you" My brother and I said in unison as we both bowed. I glanced over at Kaoru. My heart was still beating rapidly from the contact I had shared with my brother moments before. What was that? Why was my body responding this way recently. I hadn't the slightest clue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Hitachiin house.

I was curled into a ball my bed under the covers to stay warm, wondering what the feeling was earlier this day. I heard the door from the bathroom come open. I shut my eyes so that Kaoru wouldn't know I was still awake. I felt the bed lean in where he crawled in and shake when he adjusted himself. I waited for his breath to even out then I turned to face him. His face in the moonlight was very adult like. Every curve was beautiful. I felt my hands clench. I wanted him. I wanted to hold him. I scooted closer to his torso. I lightly touched my forehead to his. I felt his fresh breath, warm against my chin. I closed my eyes. "I love you Kaoru" Kissing him lips softly so that he wouldn't wake up. "I love you so much.." I felt a warm stream run down my face. I couldn't help the tears that came down my face

"Hikaru? Is something wrong?"

"No, no. E-Everything is alright. Go back to sleep" I said trying to keep the shaky sound in my voice.

I could hardly make it out but it looked like Kaoru opened his eyes wider. "No you're not. Why are you crying? A-And why are you so close to me?" He said with an unreadable expression.

"I-I'm sorry.." I said getting out of the bed. Kaoru got up on his elbows.

"Hikaru? What's wrong?"

I whipped the tears from my face "I don't know!" I heard my twin get up and come to my side. I felt his arms wrap around my neck.

"Hikaru?" He pulled my hands away from my face so he could see my identical eyes. "What's wrong?" I put my head on his chest and nudged his neck slightly.

"I-I just need sleep. That's all" I said breaking away from his arms and walking back to the bed.

"Well.. Ohkay." He said walking towards the door.

"W-Where are you going?" I asked, rushing to him.

"Calm down. I'm just going to get a drink. Get off." He scolded. It brought more tears but I turned away before he could see. How could he jump from one emotion to another. Care to completely bitter. I don't understand. It hurts so bad. Why?


	3. Chapter 3

He's my brother. This can't be real.

"Hey Kaoru!" I heard the girly, annoying voice call to me from across the cafeteria. "Wait up!" I rolled my eyes as I turned around to face the disguised female. I stopped and turned, making it apparent I didn't want to be there.

"What, Haruhi?" I asked with a pissy tone.

"I just wanted to see if you and Hikaru wanted to come to my house for dinner on Friday. Would that be ok?" She smiled.

"I'm busy. Why don't you ask Hikaru? He's always up for seeing you." I huffed then walked away quickly. 'That was dumb'.

~`~`~`~`~`~ At the Host Club(Friday)

I wanted to gag. To gorge my eye balls out. To rip her throat out. Her and Hikaru were just over there, talking, laughing. It disgusted me. I rolled my eyes and looked back out the window. 'I'm not jealous. She's just annoying' I kept repeating in my head. I felt a sweet embrace around my neck and I looked up. There above me was my copy. Obvious to me, ten times more beautiful. He truly was.

"Hey Kao, what are you doing today that you're busy with?" He ran his fingers through my hair.

"Why does it matter?" I questioned bitterly. "Don't you want to be with her alone anyway?"

"No. Not really. I'd much rather be with you. That's why I said I was busy too." My heart skipped a beat. 'Did he really?'

"No you didn't"

"Yeah. I did." He said inches from my cheek. He very gently bit the top of my ear then rested his head back on my head. "Like I said. I want to be with you"

~`~`~`~`~`~Hitachiin house

I walked straight to me room and collapsed on the bed. 'What the bloody hell is he trying to pull? What did he mean he "would rather be with me"' I shook my head. The door to my room suddenly flew open and slammed shut right after. A few seconds later a felt a not so heavy body laying right next to me.

"Kaoruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Hikaru whined, "Wake upppp!"

"Hikaru, I'm not asleep. What do you want?" I said, muffled by the pillow that my face was crushed into. He tugged at a strand of my hair which caused an avalanche of thoughts to fill my head. He tugged a little harder. "Ow" Lifting up from the pillow I glared at him. "Seriously what do you want?"

"I want to be with you Kaoru."

I'm sorry this is really short. I'm going to upload another one soon. Final Exam week... Keeping me from writing. I'm sorry3 Thank you for reading ^_^ Ok. I'll try and have another chapter up by tonight:]


	4. Chapter 4

It c-can't.. Or can it?

"I want to be with you Kaoru." I felt myself blush. Glancing away shyly. I noticed I was still twirling his amber hair.

"What do you mean?" He asked while he sat up. I sat as well.

"I-I.." I couldn't finish. I lunged towards his face. Connecting his lips to mine. They were sweet. Disbelievingly soft. It felt so right. His eyelashes brushing on my cheek indicated that he felt the same. Slowly, I placed a hand on his cheek. 'I love you Kaoru' not daring to speak those words out loud. They repeated on overdrive in my head. My mouth started to move without notice and surprisingly, his followed. My hand softly glided over to his hairline, then through the locks. I felt him place his hand on my lap. I smiled, still moving my mouth. A slight warmth entered my mouth. I could feel his smile appear as well as I slipped my tongue across his. He hit a spot in my mouth which created a whimper like moan. His hand moved from my leg to my upper ribcage then on to my neck. My mouth moved away from his lips and trailed down to his neck and chest area. Sucking and nibbling every so often. He too let out a soft moan. I picked up at where I had left of at his lips. I grasped his waist with both hands, lightly pulling him down so that he was on his back. 'I can't tell you in words how much you mean to me.' My hands were on his shoulders holding him down now. 'I love you so much' I pulled away from him and stared into his pleading eyes.

"H-Hikaru.." He said softly, "I-I love you" The yearning boy wiggled out of my grasp and I felt his lips. When he laid back down he smiled. "And I.. I want to be with you too." I felt a sting behind my eyes. Then a tear drop fell to his chest. I sat back up and got off of him and curled my knees to my chest.

"Kaoru..." I gasped, tears still running down my face, "I love you so much. I don't even remember when I realised this constant feeling. I just couldn't believe it till recently. I love you, I love you, I love you" My brother laughed a little

"Hikaru.. I feel the same way." He was still smiling with a large smile, tears also in his eyes. I flopped down next to him on the other side of the bed and looked at him. He was perfect. Even though we were twins.. I could not compare to how absolutely perfect he was. He turned to the side and looked at me with his beautiful golden eyes. A small tear that he was missed to wipe slowly slid down his cheek. He brushed it away then found my hand with his. As our fingers interlocked there was a ping in my chest. It felt so right. "You mean the world to me Hikaru."

"I have a perfect idea, love.. Because no matter what you say I can guaranty that I feel the complete same or more" I felt a tear also run down my face. 'Is this real? Can I really be this in love? And with my brother..? It's so hard to imagine.. but I'm utterly head over heals in love with him. I love you Kaoru.

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><p>So this is what it's like? To be in love. Isn't it strange. How could something so wrong, be this right?<p>

The next day at school was the worst. There was no way to be able to show my love for Kaoru in front of all of these people. But every time I saw my twin my heart beat fast, my palms became sweaty, my stomach filled with stupid little butterflies, and my face could not resist but to smile uncontrollably. He was so beautiful. There was no possible way to keep my eyes off of him. Every so often when we were close enough, he would latch onto one of my fingers with one of his and squeeze very gently then let go before someone saw. I'd look up and we'd lock eye contact and my body would go limp and my head would fly away. I was completely amazed at how different our relationship had become just by saying 'I am in love with you'. But it was strange. He was still my brother but all I wanted to do was kiss him endlessly. It's so wrong, but I don't think anything could be any more right.

After school, right before the club, my brother and I slipped to a bathroom that nobody ever used. Finally. My body filled with electricity as I slammed him up against a wall, one hand on his thigh pulling it to my hip, and the other hand and the small of his back pulling his lower half as close as it could be to mine. I felt like an animal. His hands were running through my hair, occasionally tugging. That just made me more "on". It didn't feel like I was myself anymore. His hands were wondering down my torso now. He pulled on the rim of my pants and I bucked him harder against the wall with my pelvis. This made him give off a mouse-like squeak which made me smile. I pulled away so I could see his face. He looked needy and helpless. I grinned slyly at him and laughed and once again went back to his lips. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back. I trailed my kisses to his neck and back to his lips. He was so soft. So perfect. I began to move my lower half in small pulses back and forth. I wanted him right there. Right now.

"Hikaru! Kaoru! Where are you?" Tamaki yelled from the hall.

I pulled away and stared at Kaoru. SHIT! He looked a mess and I amused that I did myself. I rushed to the mirror to see the damage. Oh my god.. I rushed to fix my hair and fix my clothes. I looked down at the bulge. Fuck. I tried to think of something, anything to make it leave. I looked back a my brother who hadn't moved.

"Kaoru! Fix yourself! Now!" He looked blankly at me. He looked like he had seen a bloody ghost. His eyes were wide as could be and there was no colour in his face. I walked over to him and shook him, "Hello!" I yelled, "Can you fucking hear me?" He looked at me again, same expression, and nodded. He quickly walked over to the sink and splashed his face. That seemed to snap him out of his trance. He yelped seeing himself in such a condition.

"Dear god." He said and began to laugh. Strangely I began to laugh too.

After he fixed himself we walked together to the club. He grabbed one of my fingers and squeezed slightly. I looked up and smiled as big as possible as he mouthed, "I love you so much".

… :] Sorry it took a million years/3.. But here we go! I promise I will not be so long for chapter 5 :D


	5. Chapter 5

For the people who are thinking "Why is she switching the names" or "They're so out of character"... I'm doing that on purpose, OK? I'm making the story my own. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? If you don't like the way I'm writing it, then don't read it and get over it and don't be a jack ass. I am writing _MY_ story how_ I _want. OK, so please Shut the hell up3

Anyway..

Kaoru's view~

The day at the club was endless. 'No public places' I told myself, 'but it's so hard to resist' I felt my hands ball up, my fingernails digging into my palms. My mind was still dazed from what had happened only moments before.

"Hey Kao, is everything alright?" I heard my brothers soft voice ask. I hadn't realised but my eyes were closed and I was biting my lip.

"Y-yeah.. Everything is alright. Why wouldn't it be" I said laughing with wide eyes. I looked at Hikaru's lips. They looked so soft. It was like they were calling me, taunting me. I turned and went to whisper in his ear but instead I gently bit his earlobe and pulled. I felt his body react and it made me smile.

"Don't.. Not here" He said laughing a bit.

"But Hikaru" I said pouting. He looked at me and mouthed 'please?' I crossed my arms and pouted "Fine Hika. You're so mean to me" He leaned over to me and pinched my leg as he whispered "I'll show you mean" I felt my cheeks grow warm as his sweet breath touched my skin. This made me shiver. I could only imagine what he had in mind. Why can't this stupid club end already? I don't think I can last much longer. I looked at the clock. Ten minutes left.

The simple ten minutes seemed to last an eternity, but finally it was over. Hikaru and I rushed to the car and yet again we had to wait. Could this driver drive any slower? As soon as we got to the house we sprinted to our room and slammed the door then turned to lock.

My brother was on his knees and his hands were traveling up my right leg. His face was following them up. One of his hands moved to my ass and grabbed the rim of my pants and pulled. He looked up at me, his face wild, and he grinned as he spanked me. I moaned suggestively and he laughed. He got back up on his feet, his hand still grabbing me and squeezed. I was starting to feel limp, extremely light headed. My mind was fuzzy and all I felt was electricity as he started to kiss and suck on my neck. I gathered the strength to pull him by the belt loops to the wall. I slammed him hard but he turned us and slammed me harder. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to me. I bit my lip as he started to grind his lower half on my leg and even harder when he did the same on my pelvis. Did he know he was making me this crazy? Wouldn't doubt it. He took off my jacket and my tie and then started to unbutton my shirt. He kissed my torso all the way down. I groaned and pushed him over to the bed. He already had his jacket and tie off and was starting to unbutton his own shirt. I bit my lip again as I saw the rim of his boxers. I got into the bed next to him and almost automatically he pulled himself on top of me and squeezed my hips with his thighs. He started to undo the button and zipper of my pants as he pressed his soft lips on mine, full of raw passion. The warmth of his tongue became apparent as he rubbed it against mine. It was getting really hard for me to breath. My brain was worthless at this point. I felt his hand grip around my piece. My body pulsed as he started to elevate to the tip. It felt so incredible. Unbelievable.

Hikaru's view~

'Hold on Hikaru' I tried to calm myself, 'not too much longer now' I looked over to my twin. He looked like he was in extreme pain. "Hey Kao, is everything alright?" I asked. His face because less tense.

"Y-Yeah.. Everything is alright. Why wouldn't it be?" he replied with a sort of scary look on his face while he laughed. I turned away slowly thinking, 'Freak' and laughed a little to myself. I shivered as a slight tug on my ear. I looked back at my brother, "Don't.. Not here" I giggled.

"But Hikaru" He pouted. I clenched my fist to make sure I didn't attack him. He was so damn cute. I mouthed to him 'please' and he pouted even more, making him even more adorable. "Fine Hika. You're so mean to me" He sounded like a little kid so I pinched him. I leaned in and whispered "I'll show you mean". I laughed when I saw his face grow a bright tomato red.

When the club was over, both my brother and I were in a rush to get home as soon as possible. I had to sit on my hands the whole way home. It was all I could do to keep myself from jumping on him right there and then. We didn't even wait for the car to make the full circle to the front door. We jumped out and sprinted as fast as possible to the room.

I fell to the floor at my brothers feet. I wrapped my hand around his ankle and lifted his pant leg to where I could kiss his soft skin. I looked up at him while my other hand grabbed onto the rim of his pants. I tugged and half smiled at him. You could see the craving in his eyes. The anticipation. How boring. I slapped his ass and raised to my feet. Feeling him fall limp, I smiled. Much better. I started to kiss his neck. I could hear the pleasurable rasp in his sharp breaths. I was shocked when I felt my back slam against the wall. I took my weak little brother and slammed him harder, pressing my pelvis against his leg with the same force. I started to move my hips rhythmically. The way his body reacted was perfect. The obnoxious cloth that still covered our bodies was starting to get on my last nerve. I took my hands and ran them from his mid-thigh, over mid-pelvis, into the front of his pants to untuck his shirt. I ripped his jacket off and started to unbutton his shirt. We started to move over to the bed. He pushed me on my back and by then I had both of our tops off. I watched him look me over and bite his lip. That drove me utterly mad. He got in the bed next to me and I immediately moved to hover over his body, my legs tight around his hips. I kissed him as I rubbed his crotch. His hip thrust slightly into my hand and I heard him give off a quiet whimper. That was it. I started to undo the button and zipper of his bottoms. Finally. As my tongue explored his mouth I clasped my hand around his solid piece and started to gently squeeze and climb.

:DD (Sorry for the lateness)


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